Off the Menu Read online

  Off the Menu

  “A wonderfully joyful ode to good food, best friends, tough choices, and great love. Off the Menu = one delicious read … that comes complete with recipes! So much fun.”

  —Alison Pace, author of You Tell Your Dog First

  “Smart, sexy, and delightfully buoyant, Off the Menu is, in a word, scrumptious. Stacey Ballis has managed to capture happiness between the covers of a book.”

  —Quinn Cummings, author of Notes from the Underwire

  Good Enough to Eat

  “Good Enough to Eat is like a perfect dish of macaroni and cheese—rich, warm, nuanced, and delicious. And like any great comfort food, Stacey Ballis’s new book is absolutely satisfying.”

  —Jen Lancaster, New York Times bestselling author of If You Were Here

  “Witty and tender, brash and seriously clever, Stacey Ballis’s characters are our friends, our neighbors, or, in some cases, that sardonic colleague the next cubicle over … Her storytelling will have you alternately turning pages and calling your friends urging them to come along for the ride. And in Stacey Ballis’s talented hands, oh what a wonderful ride it is.”

  —Elizabeth Flock, New York Times bestselling author of Sleepwalking in Daylight

  “A toothsome meal of moments, gorgeously written, in warmth and with keen observation, Good Enough to Eat is about so much more than the magic of food; it’s about the magic of life.”

  —Stephanie Klein, author of Straight Up and Dirty and Moose

  The Spinster Sisters

  “Readers will be rooting for Ballis’s smart, snappy heroines.”

  —Booklist

  “A laugh-out-loud hoot of a book. Jodi and Jill are amazing characters. They are challenged by balancing their business lives with style, charm, and grace. A must-read.”

  —A Romance Review

  “Filled with characters so witty and diverse yet so strong in their passion for friends and family that they could easily be our best friend or favorite aunt … Women of every age will relate to Ballis’s clever yet unassuming story.”

  —RT Book Reviews

  Room for Improvement

  “For those who say ‘chick lit’ is played out, all I can say is think again. Stacey Ballis proves the genre can be funny, honest, clever, real, and, most importantly, totally fresh.”

  —Jen Lancaster

  “More fun than a Trading Spaces marathon. One of the season’s best.”

  —The Washington Post Book World

  “Rife with humor—always earthy, often bawdy, unwaveringly forthright humor.”

  —Chicago Sun-Times

  “A laugh-out-loud novel that will appeal to HGTV devotees as well as those who like their chick lit on the sexy side. One of the summer’s hot reads for the beach.”

  —Library Journal

  “In her third outing, Ballis offers up a frothy, fun send-up of reality TV. Readers will have a blast.”

  —Booklist

  Sleeping Over

  “Ballis presents a refreshingly realistic approach to relationships and the things that test (and often break) them.”

  —Booklist

  “Sleeping Over will have you laughing, crying, and planning your next girls’ night out.”

  —Romance Reader at Heart

  Inappropriate Men

  One of www.Chatelaine.com’s Seven Sizzling Summer Reads for 2004

  “An insightful and hilarious journey into the life and mind of Chicagoan Sidney Stein.”

  —Today’s Chicago Woman

  “Ballis’s debut is a witty tale of a thirtysomething who unexpectedly has to start the search for love all over again.”

  —Booklist

  “Stacey Ballis’s debut novel is a funny, smart book about love, heartbreak, and all the experiences in between.”

  —Chatelaine.com

  “Without compromising the intelligence of her readers, Ballis delivers an inspiring message of female empowerment and body image acceptance in her fun, sexy debut novel.”

  —Inside Lincoln Park

  Berkley Books by Stacey Ballis

  ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

  THE SPINSTER SISTERS

  GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT

  OFF THE MENU

  Off the Menu

  STACEY BALLIS

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) • Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England • Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) • Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) • Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India • Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) • Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE: The recipes contained in this book are to be followed exactly as written. The publisher is not responsible for your specific health or allergy needs that may require medical supervision. The publisher is not responsible for any adverse reactions to the recipes contained in this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Copyright © 2012 by Stacey Ballis.

  Excerpt from Good Enough to Eat by Stacey Ballis copyright © 2010 by Stacey Ballis.

  Cover photo composition by S. Miroque. Photos: “Housewife presenting freshly baked chocolate muffins” by trgowanlock/shutterstock; “Jack Russell terrier dog on a white background” by Erik Lam/shutterstock.

  Cover design by Rita Frangie.

  Text design by Laura K. Corless.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  BERKLEY® is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PUBLISHING HISTORY

  Berkley trade paperback edition / July 2012

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Ballis, Stacey.

  Off the menu / Stacey Ballis.

  p. cm.

  ISBN: 978-1-101-58109-4

  1. Administrative assistants—Fiction. 2. Celebrity chefs—Fiction. I. Title.

  PS3602.A624O34 2012

  813’.6—dc23

  2012008568

  PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  ALWAYS LEARNING

  PEARSON

  This book is dedicate
d with my whole heart to my extraordinary husband, Bill, my true b’shert, who showed up right on time and made everything in the world bright and beautiful and possible. You are the magic in my life every day, and I am the luckiest girl in the world. Thank you for everything you are, and everything I become when I am with you. I love you more than Pamplemousse.

  For Payton and The Lucky Dog,

  and in loving memory of Willy and Otis

  Acknowledgments

  As always, my work is made possible only because of the support of my amazing family, now supersized! With much, much love to Moms and Dads—both Ballis and Thurmond—Jonnie, Deb and Andy, Jamie and Steve, Rebecca and Elizabeth, Oliver, Kalie, and Quincy. A merry group recently made much merrier.

  And since blood doesn’t make it better … the Schayes and the Schnierows are all in my corner, and I’m always grateful. Ditto all generations and iterations of Gault, Adelman, Srulovitz, and Heisler.

  Nothing works without my friends, and I am so blessed that you are all way too numerous to mention by name, but you absolutely know who you are, and if you are wondering if I mean you, I totally do.

  Special mention necessary for the inspiration and support of my Wonder Twin Jen Lancaster, and our lunch girls, Gina and Tracey. Some of the characters in this book would not exist without Harry and Penny and Scott; thanks, guys, for letting me co-opt your witty turns of phrase and charming personalities. And for all of my dear and talented writer gal pals, thank you for help with titles and talking me off ledges!

  To my very dear friend who just happens to also be my agent, Scott Mendel, thank you for everything, always.

  To Wendy McCurdy, editor extraordinaire, who believed in this book as much as I did, it was great to have you with me.

  To everyone at Berkley/Penguin, especially Leslie Gelbman and Melissa Broder and Katherine Pelz, and the entire sales team, thank you a million times for all you do.

  To some of my favorite chefs—Michelle Bernstein, Stephanie Izard, Gil Langlois, Susan Spicer, Allen Sternweiler, and Michael White—thank you so much for letting me mention your names and reprint your recipes and, most important, for all of the delicious.

  Table of Contents

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

  21

  22

  23

  24

  25

  Epilogue

  In the Kitchen with Alana and Friends

  Good Enough to Eat

  1

  Through the fog of those last ephemeral floaty moments before I fall into deep sleep, I suddenly feel a stirring in the bed next to me. I smile, knowing that as delicious as sleep is, there is something unbearably wonderful about the need for tenderness and contact. I roll over and let my tired lids open, forcing myself back from the brink of the sleep I desperately need, to attend to my sweetheart, who I need more. He looks at me with what can only be described as a perfect combination of love and longing, and tilts his head to one side, dark chocolate eyes sparkling wickedly in the darkness.

  “Yes? Can I help you?” I say, my voice slightly roughened with exhaustion.

  He lets his head tilt slowly to the other side and he reaches for me with a tentative teasing touch, then stops and just waits.

  “You are very demanding, you know that?” I can’t help but laugh.

  But what can I do? He is the love of my life. A smile appears on his face and he reaches out again, this time more assuredly, tapping my hand with gentle insistence.

  “Okay, okay!” I give up. I can deny this boy nothing.

  As soon as he hears that word, he pounces, all twenty-six pounds of him landing with a thump on my chest.

  This dog will be the end of me.

  “I know, I know, boy, you need some extra-special love time, because you were at doggie day care all day while I was working to put kibble on the table.”

  Dumpling rolls over in my arms so that I can scratch his oddly broad chest. He is, to say the least, one of the strangest dogs anyone has ever seen. Which of course, is absolutely why I adopted him. I don’t really know for sure what his lineage is, but he has the coloring and legs of a Jack Russell, the head of a Chihuahua, with the broad chest and sloping back of a bulldog, wide pug-ly eyes that bug out and are a little watery, and happen to mostly look in opposite directions. His ears, one which sticks up and one which flops down, are definitely fruit bat–ish. And when he gets riled by something, he gets a two-inch-wide Mohawk down his whole back, which sticks straight up, definitively warthog. He’s a total ladies man, a relentless flirt, and the teensiest bit needy in the affection department, as are many rescue dogs. But of course, he is so irresistibly lovable he never has a problem finding the attention he desires.

  He is also smart as a whip, and soon after I got him my dear friend Barry took him to train as a therapy dog so that the two of them could work occasionally in hospitals and nursing homes and with disabled kids. He has the highest possible certification for that work, and was one of only two dogs out of fifty to pass the test when he took it, proud mama me. Barry is an actor and cabaret performer, and on the days when he is not in rehearsal he often volunteers to “entertain the troops” as he calls it, singing standards for the elderly, doing dramatic readings of fairy tales for kids with cancer, and teaching music to teenagers with autism. He’d seen someone working with a therapy dog at Children’s Memorial Hospital, and when he found out how meaningful that work can be, he asked if he could borrow Dumpling and see if he was the right kind of dog. Dumpling turned out to be more than the right kind of dog; he turned out to be a total rock star, and has become a favorite at all of their stops. The fact that Barry has snagged many dates with handsome doctors and male nurses using Dumpling as bait is just a bonus for him. Dumpling loves the work and I love knowing that he spends at least one or two days a week out and about with Barry instead of just lazing around and getting too many treats from his pals at Best Friends doggie day care.

  Dumpling is the kind of dog that makes people on the street do double- and triple-takes and ask in astonished voices, “What kind of dog IS that?!” His head is way too small for his thick solid body, and his legs are too spindly. His eyes point away from each other like a chameleon. One side of his mouth curls up a little, half-Elvis, half palsy-victim, and his tongue has a tendency to stick out just a smidgen on that side. He was found as a puppy running down the median of a local highway, and I adopted him from PAWS five years ago, after he had been there for nearly a year. He is, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me.

  My girlfriend Bennie says it looks like he was assembled by a disgruntled committee. Barry calls him a random collection of dog bits. My mom, in a classic ESL moment, asked upon meeting him, “He has the Jack Daniels in him, leetle bit, no?” I was going to correct her and say Jack Russell, but when you look at him, he does look a little bit like he has the Jack Daniels in him. My oldest nephew, Alex, who watches too much Family Guy and idolizes Stewie, took one look, and then turned to me in all seriousness and said in that weird almost-British accent, “Aunt Alana, precisely what brand of dog is that?” I replied, equally seriously, that he was a purebred Westphalian Stoat Hound. When the kid learns how to Google, I’m going to lose major cool aunt points.

  Dumpling tilts his head back and licks the underside of my chin, wallowing in love.

  “Dog, you are going to be the death of me. You have got to let me sleep sometime.”

  These words are barely out of my mouth, when he leaps up and starts barking, in a powerful growly baritone that belies his small stature. The third bark is interrupted by the insistent ringing of my buzzer.

  Crap. “Yes,
you are very fierce. You are the best watchdog. Let’s go see what the crazy man wants.”

  Only one person would have the audacity to ring my bell at a quarter to one on a weeknight.

  Patrick Conlon.

  Yes, the Patrick Conlon.

  Owner and executive chef of Conlon Restaurant Group, based here in Chicago. Three local restaurants, Conlon, his flagship white tablecloth restaurant, housed in a Gold Coast historic mansion, which recently received a coveted second Michelin star. Patrick’s, a homey high-end comfort-food place in Lincoln Park, and PCGrub, his newest endeavor, innovative bar food in the suddenly hot Logan Square neighborhood, dangerously close to my apartment. He also has Conlon Las Vegas, Conlon Miami, and is in negotiations to open PCGrub in both those cities, and a one-off project looming in New York as well.

  But even if you have never eaten in one of Patrick’s restaurants, you have probably seen him on Food TV, where he has two long-running shows, Feast, where he demonstrates home versions of his restaurant recipes and special menus for entertaining, and Conlon’s Academy, which is a heavily technique-based show for people who really want to learn professional-level cooking fundamentals as they relate to a passionate home cook. Maybe you have seen him guest judging on Top Chef, snarking and sparring with Tom Colicchio, Padma getting all giggly and tongue-tied in his handsome presence. Or judging on Iron Chef America, disagreeing charmingly with Jeffery Steingarten at his curmudgeoniest. Or on a booze-fueled tour of the best Chicago street food with Anthony Bourdain. Or giving his favorite foods a shout-out on The Best Thing I Ever Ate or Unique Eats compilation shows. Or maybe you have read one of his six bestselling cookbooks. Even more likely, you have seen him squiring an endless series of leggy actresses and pop princesses and supermodels on red carpets, and read about his latest heartbreaking act in a glossy tabloid. And yes, before you ask, that latest angry power-girl single by Ashley Bell rocketing up the country charts about “settin’ loose the one who cooked my goose” is totally about him.